On Writing…

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Sunday, November 11, I wrote about being mindful. My son Chuck is always using and discussing the word mindful, therefore, it is always to my forefront in my thoughts. Today, I thought I would discuss a little about writing, my writing. A favorite writer of mine Anne Lamott says,” No one cares if you continue to write, so you’d better care, because otherwise you are doomed”.

I was a closet writer, literally, my desk and computer was in a small closet I opened the door pulled out the chair, and there I was in what I thought to be my writing space. I wrote short stories. Once I had finished a story or what I thought was a finished story, I neatly filed it away in a file box on the shelf above me. Oh, I had been writing for years, since the age of five to be exact. The job of eliminating me of such a frivolous waste of time fell upon my mother. Every time she would find my big chief writing tablet and fat pencil, she threw it in the burning barrel. When we would go to see my Aunt Vina, she would send me home with a new supply, Aunt Vina encouraged my imagination. When I would stay with her during summers, I was to have a new story to read each day when she came home from work.

My love of reading through the years introduced me to all manner of authors and styles. Again, Aunt Vina encouraged my reading and writing. If it were not for her, I would not enjoy my retirement years, and then I began to dabble into the art of poetry. I spoke with my son Chuck who is a writer, explaining that I seem to have the ability to write poetry and I loved it. He expressed his belief that maybe this was the direction that I should go. Several published poetry books later I believe that all of my experiences in life found their way upon the blank page in the form of poetry had been depleted.

My next adventure was a book containing all of my artwork. When that book was completed and published, I begin the life story of my daughter Charlotte who passed away in 2010. When the grief began to spill over into my daily life where I could no longer control my emotions, I wrote. There were times when I thought that I may never write again, I thought of words but none would meld together to create any serious writing. Then, the book about Charlottes’ life was published. I still believed that my poetry and the well-house from where I gathered words might have dried up. It was then that I published a book of images of my four-legged friend Mason, finally I returned to my favorite writer Anne Lamott who said,” No one cares if you continue to write, so you’d better care, because otherwise you are doomed”.

After a few weeks of idleness, I outlined a family saga. A working title, Generations of heroes and assholes, their secrets and lies. I believe this undertaking of possibly a series of five books or one huge book will fill several years, which along with my blog and family should keep me busy. Along with that, a part of my day will be set aside for painting, reading books, researching, and enjoying the post of my favorite people, those who visit my blog.
Good Writing to All

 

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

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Mindful…

I have tried to go back over my past, most reflected upon childhood, emotional wounds, the scars that you cannot see; yet the pain is there sometimes quiet and other times excruciating. The teenage years found me defective and with no value, not without my trying. I made excellent grades, but not allowed to join any afterschool activities, my mother thought I should be at home cooking and cleaning for the rest of the day. In the sixth grade, she did allow me to join a concert band that would continue through high school, concert and marching band. The reason, my mother was friends with the band directors’ wife… the only reason. This was my life as a teenager, I could go to all of the football games and it allowed me to attend music camps as well. This did not save me! I grew with no treasured possessions mental or physicals. Nonetheless, that was then and this is now.

Today they are so many who are broken down and frightened, yet as humans we are always searching for happiness. We mostly accept our lives young or old; we can pray that our lives have turned out as God planned, if you believe in God. I sometimes wish I were a child again before understanding grew within my brain, birth. Many of us live our entire lives for others, literally. When needed I plug myself into work?

Hate is a terrible emotion, this is the most awful thing and I try to surround myself put up a wall where hate cannot reach me. It does not work for me. The hate and malignant thoughts of others penetrate the wall, the thin skin and embeds itself deep within my soul. I cannot forget the hate that I have suffered at the hands of others. However, I cannot change them, so I pray for them. The willingness to change their behavior is ignored. As humans, we need the courage to accept them for what they are; the goal is to bring manic dramas into our lives. The fingerprints of hate has been embedded upon my psyche since childhood, I try not to respond to it, they want you to feel the pain at all cost we must try to fight it be aware, be mindful for these are struggling souls, they are precious. God is my defense.

When all this occurs, we must create a new vision for ourselves, lift our eyes and hands to the heavens and do the best we can.

 

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

*A collection of thoughts for a new book

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Everyone has a past and everyone has memories. I am currently working on a project of a series of five books, a biography of the lives of myself and of those that are relatives. This post and others will consist of my thoughts on many subjects. My poetry will have to sit on the back burner so to speak, as this is an undertaking that will span a year or more.


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The Parsimonious Me Returns and Other Thoughts

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(A collection of thoughts for a writing project)

The unpleasant events of an old woman living in modern day times can be fearful. Everything around the world is being destroyed by fire, smoldering lava of a volcano, buildings are imploding and exploding by the work of foreign or homegrown terrorist. Tsunami’s wipe out shorelines and far inland, earthquakes swallows everything in the path of its deadly fingers opening the earth. Global warming is real, our weather and the results of it leave broad paths of destruction to prove it.

If we compare our inward selves to the unpleasant events of the times within the family, friends and acquaintances, our deep secrets and the truth of the spirit and soul are no doubt warring. Yes, the outward looks and smiles get you through those needed moments, all the while the turmoil is griping you inward with you pushing it to the edge of doom and no return. Of course, what does this have to do with aging; I am certain all ages go through the insecure components of their sense

Yet, all the time we are aging, in those winter years it becomes scary, there is so much to do with less time to do it. Time will not stand still. The family “rock” must be strong, able to withstand anything. I have lead life as best I could. Outside the family, I had role models, my Aunt, a teacher, and when I became an adult, I had work mentors.

I live with depression, anxiety, all of my life and with thoughts of suicide, and during those married years, I thought of it more often; but I had too many responsibilities as an adult to act upon my thoughts. All of these debilitating feelings started in childhood. When I was not in school, I was at home alone to roam the woods surrounding our home. We had no phones, and my mother told me how to act, to live, what to say…be seen and not heard, she was not a woman who beat children. She was a woman that tore her children down mentally, telling me I should be grateful to be living and have a mother. Well that statement and its answer, is far too long to place in this post, it will have to be covered as a topic all its own.

 

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

*A collection of thoughts for a new book

 

Other books on sale at Amazon.com

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Everyone has a past and everyone has memories. I am currently working on a project of a series of five books, a biography of the lives of myself and of those that are relatives. This post and others will consist of my thoughts on many subjects. My poetry will have to sit on the back burner so to speak, as this is an undertaking that will span a year or more.

AUTHORS BOOK AT AMAZON.COM
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_8?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=ann+johnsonmurphree&sprefix=ann+john%2Caps%2C221&crid=RM5ALVGUNEEB

 

 

 

Mississippi River Nightmare…

 

Image result for hobo  banks of the mississippi river

 

 

Mississippi River Nightmare…

Uncovered and wrinkled is my sack, a gigantic hump on my
Back. Frost clutches to these old rags, my body is covered
With burlap bags.

My flesh like ashes my face tinged with blue, my chest
Rattles, my lungs sucking in the morning dew. I have
Traveled on the railroad back and forth, does not matter
Where, south or north.

I sometimes walk city streets when they are dark and dead,
The side of a railroad is where I make my bed. I eat my
Food from old tin cans, I will steal candy from little hands.

I scream for the warmth I see coming from the riverbank,
A bright fire, from this cold I do tire. I think that I am
Burning, I smell smoldering hair, my arms are thrashing in the
Air.

I see evil darkness, what is this madness, I feel spiritually ill,
Then, I gasp in horror when I realize that I am dead. Here on
This cold and damp riverbank someone has severed my head.
©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

 

 

Grandpa’s Jug…

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Grandpa’s Jug…
On a cold southern night, reading under the covers by a “coal oil” light, grandpa’s
piano and laughter ringing in my ears. Serenading grandma both had a bit too much “cheer”. I laughed so hard I pulled up the tail of my flour sack gown to dry my happy tears; Ma could not hear me I had nothing to fear.  Suddenly there was the smell of smoke; Ma came in giving my covered shoulders a poke. It does not matter to me she exclaimed, you may want to get out of bed before you go up in flames. Through the burnt hole in my quilt I could see, smokes rising through it like a wilderness Tepee. Grandpa tossed a bucket of water at me from the door; it missed the bed and hit the floor.  Grandpa jerked the quilt off the bed, folded It ever so gently and pristine, then through
It out my window that had no screen. My aunt walked in laughed so hard she peed,
Then said to the others, “Don’t yell at her; be happy that she likes to read. I thought I was in trouble, and then everyone begins to laugh. Drying her tears grandma said, “Well, it isn’t as if she’s committed a crime”. She will remember this night for a very long time. It was then…I ran to the outhouse thankful for their “cheer” with the help of a little Old jug of “moonshine”.

 

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  Southern born and breed keeps this tiny bit of fictional poetry close to reality.  It was thought of and written quickly.  It gave me a chuckle as the moonshine, the laughter, a small child staying with her grandparents; are long ago memories.

 

 

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Buttercup…

 

Yellow_dog_in_grass-1170x878    Buttercup

 

Buttercup…

 
Many years ago, when my memory first came to be
I guess I was about three. I was alone all day while
Daddy worked in the cotton fields leaving long before
the sun came up; it was just me and a big old yellow
dog who watched out for me that everyone called
Buttercup.

Daddy said that she wandered up one day about half
starved and she never left our yard. I had a sister, who
was about nine, but she was never around she and my
mother was gone all the time.

I overheard mama saying one day that my sister was the
only child that she ever wanted or even had; I did not care
I had daddy so my life was not that bad.

I would eat cold biscuits every morning left on the old wood
stove then sit on our back porch wondering where I could go.
I did not need anyone to take care of me – I had that old
yellow dog you see.

She and I played in the fields under the hot southern sun I
would hang on to her and away we would run. Sometimes
we would walk in the woods around the mountaintop where
we lived. I had better care from that old yellow dog than
most humans could give.

Life was not easy for me with no one to care still “Buttercup”
was always there. Soon it came time for me to go to school
Buttercup and daddy would watch as the bus drove away,
They would both be waiting for me at the end of each day.

The years went by quickly when one day only daddy stood by
the road with his head bowed down there were tears in his eyes
as he stared at the ground.

Later as my own tears fell upon that soft mound of red dirt I
looked toward Heaven and told Buttercup to keep watching for
me, “You’ll look up one day old girl and there I will be”.

 
©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

 

Honey Wine…

Honey Wine

Serena knew that beauty had an ending, that all things fade and die she was in the winter of her years. All her friends were gone as was much of her family, some forgotten like goldenrods falling to dust upon the wind. Her eyes yearned, her heart bled for love, she kept repeating the words…

“Old, old, old.”

The clouds of time have spun away like fall she now waited for the last leaf to drop. All that was left was the sweet memories like Honey wine. Please she whispered …

“I am so tired of time”.

 

 
©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

 

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Unforgiving Sadness…

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Unforgiving Sadness

Years have gone by and I continue to live under a dark veil of sadness. No sun reaches the pale skin locked inside this place, my self-made prison. I walk the hallways slowly these days of darkness and touch the squeaky banisters, one day someone will fall. The smell assaults my senses old people are dying here.

I walk as quickly as I can, back to the safety of what will be my last living place. I drink down the hot, dark chicory liquid; I wait in hope that sleep will carry me away. Once again, I wake; the light comes without sunshine, damn the pain. Another day of grieving, another moment in time, I live from moment to moment in grief. Someone is knocking, can they not read the sign on my door, DO NOT DISTURB.

Family, questions the sign; can they not see that I do not want to see people in this place that I call “God’s Waiting Room”; I do not want to make friends here in this house of the dying. My life changed forever on the hot summer day when my heart ripped apart and my soul crumbled. Years have gone by and I continue to live under the dark veil of sadness, since my daughter’s death, I only feel  unforgiving sadness.

******

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

AUTHOR’S NOTE: All humans have or will be touched by the hands of death during their lifetime. To lose a child is an un-measureable grief. You will close your eyes tight and hope when you open them those lost will be standing in front of you. When you go to bed at night that is the last thing on your mind and the first when you wake the following day. Then you realize it is not some cruel joke that is being played on you, it is real, too real. The outward pretense that you show the world is insane to you. You smile and everyone thinks that you are happy. Beneath that façade is a place of horror, hell’s fire burns from within. It is called “Grief” and it will not leave you.

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The Tapestry of Life…

The Tapestry of Life

The individual self is an actor, life the stage; we are masters of our emotions capable of expressing self-assurance, joy and rage. There is a hidden self, living deep within the forest of life, one preferred not to show, the image of strength and confidence choosing to expose.

It is during the times of valleys and peaks, darkness and fear; wearing a mask, a masquerade keeping emotions hidden in the forest of the soul within sight and near. The landscape of ourselves guides us to better places, and the silent strong self that transforms outward faces.

To believe in aspirations and make lives worth living; it is within the landscape of strong confident selves that allows us to dream. We perform in our world upon the stage of life the perfect impressionist; yet it is when we change the landscape of our lives we find true happiness.

******

 

©elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This piece is about stripping away the outer layers of ourselves, and it is then that we open to the world the real person beneath the layers of fear, discontent, helplessness and many others. Then we can regain our power to live.

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Good Saturday Afternoon to all…

Good Saturday Afternoon to all…

On a more personal note today, I have not slept very well for over a week; last night I was determined to get “sleep”. I went to bed my usual time, 2 AM. I woke at 9 AM. I fed my four-legged son Mason and returned to my bed. I woke at 3 PM, my “sleep potion” worked! I have now forgotten what combination I took. Woke up with clear head, my problem is that I may not sleep again for several days. Yet, I did get lots of sleep.

 
I woke with Mason looking desperately for his stuffed Yellow Dog. It always commanded (by Mason) a place on my bed as well as Mr. Squirrel. After two or three years of play, a ragged Yellow Dog disappeared. Mason did not realize it until today. Mr. Squirrel and Yellow Dog were always on the bed. Mason came into the living room with Mr. Squirrel, running back and forth; I finally went into the bedroom only to find him digging up the covers. I knew instantly that he was looking for Yellow Dog.

IMG_0536.jpg                                                              Mason Murphree
I now have one “ticked” off little dog. He want leave me along; he sits by me and stares. Yes, I lie to him saying I do not know where the Yellow Dog is…

 
I tossed it in the garbage. It has been over a month and he has not noticed until today. Now he looks at me like,
“I don’t have any thumbs, so I cannot open the trash door, it has to be you!”